I think I'm Autistic
As I sit here in Spain, with my newly diagnosed Autistic 6 year old son with me, I am having some serious clear downloads. I have suspected for some time that I may be ‘on the spectrum’ (please excuse my terminology as it moves so fast I do find it hard to keep up - I will try my best). When I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back, I kind of shrugged, in a ‘yep, I know’ type of way. Because it just made complete sense.
This Autism realisation (yet to be confirmed, but in the Autistic community many people do self-identify and that is viewed as OK - for me, I am going to explore a diagnosis as it will help me going forward to explain to others)
One of my parents is also probably Autistic; we have all said so for years although they dont want to seek diagnosis, they also concur that they may well be as they show many signs.
Here are some things that I have bene thinking about recently that I ponder about in terms of my possibly being Autistic (a completely, haphazard and stream of consciousness list, so sorry about that!):
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Always getting into trouble, but not knowing why (and others questioning ‘what’s UP with her’?)
Saying the wrong thing: ‘foot in mouth disease’
Being completely obsessed with truth and authenticity
Saying too much and oversharing; not clear on social norms
Sensory struggles - I hate two noises at once; or strong smells; or itchy jumpers
Over sensitive to movie violence
A need for routine and structure; but my ADHD making that really hard
Inability to deal with things not being really clear
Not being able to maintain friendships
Pissing people off and not knowing why
Feeling like Autistic people are my people
Having to drown out intolerable feelings or thoughts with alcohol
Trusting people implicitly OR getting a very strong bad vibe from them
‘Seeing’ people - rather than not noticing people’s expressions or reactions, I have a strong sense of what others are feeling and thinking - and it’s a LOT - I often have to tune out or leave
Social exhaustion - I really struggle being with people for long; I cannot room share and even going on holiday with people is a massive deal for me (which is why we don’t do it)
I have to have a lot of alone time
I have emotional meltdowns that seem a lot considering what they are about
I relate a lot to animals and nature
I experience very strong reactions to music and remember lyrics and nuances or note changes in music
I have no strategic or Machiavellian abilities, even when needed - I cannot be political, it’s just not in me
I feel like I didn’t get the rule book, like life is so raw - I had to learn how to act, from confident people around me, like my husband
I feel like I have a voice and a way of acting that I have cultivated through things like being on YouTube etc and that it serves me well but that I am masking
The only people who know me truly are my immediate family (husband, kids): I mask to some degree in front of everyone else
I am severely affected by my hormones; my perimenopause and also PMS have been really hard on my emotions
I find it hard, if not impossible to identify my emotions. Other than: really sad, really happy, or really tired. It’s mostly really tired. Which I know isn’t a feeling.
I think a lot of women, particularly those my age, who have realised that they are autistic, feel like the ‘symptoms’ or defining characteristics of Autism relate specifically to men / boys in particular. Girls are masters of masking. We are very good at working out how to act and then learning it and performing it, to fit in.
As we women age and feel more capable of authenticity - and thankfully the rest of the world, too is waking up to how not-that-rare Neurodiversity is - we are feeling more free to say, yes, I do relate to a lot of that. I oscillate between being sure that yes I am Autistic, and having major self doubt - which is why it’s taken so long to coe round to this being my truth.
I know what it feels like to be me. And I identify strongly with the features others talk about when describing their experience of Autism. I also think ADHD and Autism combined, so called AuDHD, is a very specific type of experience. One that feels like a rollercoaster, and full of cognitive dissonance:
I want to be routine and tidy and structured, but my crazy internal chaos makes that very hard ;
I love being on my own, and feeling peaceful and regulated doing my things, but I also feel like I am drawn to so many things and my energy is sometimes very hyper - so I will make plans that, on the day when the time comes, I just cannot do;
I have self medicated so many times, when socialising or fucntioning is required and also desirable but my inner struggle is also so high, then the next day I have felt so awful as the symptoms of a hangover heighten things that Autistic people struggle with.
I have a desire to connect with people, but also an inability to follow through sometimes
I am in hyper-arousal a lot of the time; my nervous system needs caffeine to GO in the morning and then I do, and I burn out quickly. My nervous system actually craves slowness, less input, less demands. But because I have 3 kids, 4 pets etc etc I dont get that chance, so I am often in fighgt or flight mode. Since being in Spain with just one kid to look after I cannt belive how much more regulated I am.
I know everyone has these issues; this is often the criticism of the ‘over-labelling’ of ‘everyone being neurodiverse nowadays’ - I hear these responses a lot. I try to give everyone and everything a fair hearing. And I understand why this is coming up. It does seem like everyone is ND nowadays! But really, they aren’t. Think about it; in a class of 10 students, maybe two are? I would say that is probably about right. ND is about diversity, not extreme rareness. Also, I think we have all, always been this way, but only now we have the language. We also tend to find each other, so I think groups of friends often have several ADHD-ers, or ‘weird’ or kooky characters in there! I say that with love, as I definitely think I am one!
I love that now, both my elder kids’ best mates are ND - and they counld’t care less. It’s just not a big deal to them. When I was at school, I really struggled. I truanted a LOT. I couldn’t get my shit together to get on the bus, which I missed every day. When I was at school I couldn’t bare it. I used to sneak off and smoke, or just saunter off the back field and walk home. Or hide under the stairs in the home economics block. Nowadays, I would have had a SENCO look at me, and would ave been diagnosed, had support (as would my parents). I know, today we struggle with not good enough support - but at least there’s something. We had nothing 30 years ago. The language wasn’t there, or the support.
Over the years, as I have found my voice and been able to seek out answers and a toolkit - I have seen doctors and also read a lot on different experiences of mental health and so called disorders. I went to a psychiatrist and basically convinced him I was Bipolar and also had Borderline Personality Disorder. He couldn’t quite say I fulfilled either diagnosis fully, so agreed that I could say I had traits of both. Well, it’s very common to be misdiagnosed with both of those things - but actually be autistic. This is a story I have heard many times.
Someone once said to me, you cant be Autistic, you are too charming. Which basically is an example that we all think of Autistic people as monotone speaking, or humourless, or devoid of imagination - or something like Rain Man. But that’s just not true. There are comedians, writers and really charismatic people who have Autism. My son has a rich imagination, as do I. Some of my favourite writers are Autistic, like Katherine May. Her book actually was a turning point for me in realising that you could be a funny, smart, high functioning woman AND be Autistic.
There is so much I could say about this. And my experience of being ND. But I dont have to say it all in one post. So I wont try to.
For now, as I lay in bed the last two nights, I realised, as flashing memories popped into my mind, that the feeling I have of being different. The deep inner knowing. It doesn’t need a diagnosis. It doesn’t need acknowledgment. I know who I am. SO why seek a diagnosis. Well, it will reduce people’s questioning. It will validate my suspicions and help others to give me some grace, which I have so needed over the years. I’ve lost friends and sturggled a lot trying to be me in a wolrd that isn’t geared towards that expereince. It’s not a sob story by any means. I am a priviliged white middle class woman! But also, I have a voice, and a platform, as sall as it may be, so I want to advocate for myself - and others. My ADHD video on Youtube has had 45K views. That was just a quick decisions to share with others MY experience and recent diagnosis. Well, I will share the process of trying to get a diagnosis on here, and hope that for someone, it helps.
Lastly, I think that there is definitely a link between spiritual people and ND. Are we from another planet??! From a previous life? Not even joking. I truly think that one reason we are so confused as to what ‘causes’ us to be different to others, may indeed be that in a previous lifetime, ou souls came from another realm. And yes, it’s OK if this doesn’t resonate with you! Gabor Mate hypothesises in his book Scattered Minds, that ADHD is caused by trauma and attachment issues. I loved that book, but I’m not sure. They also say that ADHD brains do show up differently - as do Autistic brains. Is this caused by Epigenetics? Or are we literally a different breed?! Ultimately we are ALL human. Being ND is PART of that human existence. Like having red hair or being brown or black skinned. We are all sharing this life experience. And all trying to understand each other and ourselves.
The more I do this, in my work and in my life, I think one thing is true:
To seek to understand one another is the greatest thing we can do.
Listen more; speak less.
Try to see their perspective. Even if it’s wildly different to yours. That’s how we repair, that’s how we respect each other.
I also plan to offer something in my business for ADHD and Autistic women. Maybe a yoga course and a circle. Something to bring other spiritual and ND women together.
Let me know, are you ND? Do you relate to my post?
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