Seeing through a lens of love: 40 days of Vedic meditation
Today is Day 40 of twice daily 20 min Vedic meditation. I’m in the middle of a meditation and pranayama 100 hours training. I have done most of this module before with Alexandra McRoberts at The Mindful Life Practice, which is who I studied with for my 200hr and 300hr. But when they added in Rory Kinsella’s Vedic Meditation element (which wasn’t in it when I first studied this 100hr as part of the 300hr) I knew I had to do it. I often will repeat a course, as my neurodivergent brain just loves to revisit things until it lands, which is often in the 2nd or 3rd time. Alexandra, my teacher, once said to me that we learn in spirals and this resonates a lot; I certainly do. Anyway, I am mid way through this course and 40 days ago we started on the Vedic Meditation part.
First I think it’s prudent to share the basic outline of what VM is and how it works.
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Vedic Meditation (VM) involves each individual being given a personal mantra by their teacher. This mantra is a Sanskrit word, which no meaning as such, the word they are given depends on their age, and they are provided with an extra add-on word to expand their mantra every year of continuous practice. So, if another 45 year old starts VM they will get the same mantra as me. You cant write it down, you are asked not to share it and you are asked to try not to think of it apart from when meditating. I love this ‘secret mantra’ element; it makes the practice so mysterious and sacred. I love my mantra, and I experiment with ways of saying it in my head. It’s very musical sounding; it’s more of a sound than a word, actually.
So this mantra is repeated, silently, over and over. Our thoughts wander. They will do that! And when I remember to say my mantra, I say it, once or a few times. Then my wandering thoughts come back… oh, I have a mantra… more thoughts… mantra… thoughts and so on.
I set a timer on the Insight Timer app, which pings a Basu Bell noise to start and finish. It logs my meditation and also the minutes meditated - but most importantly the day streak (good thing there are two, as when the time comes that one drops off for some reason, hopefully only for that day - the day streak is not broken. This in itself is genius and so forgiving. That means the day count is on there, on my iPhone homepage - and I do not want to break it! I also send my meditation group a tick emoji once I have meditated, for accountability. Occasionally with some side notes.
Position-wise, it is recommended that you are, above all, comfortable. Ideally, sitting up, with your back supported and your head upright, but relaxed. Ideally not dropped back or being supported as this is a little too conducive to sleep. That said, when I have been sick or very tired, I have laid down - and that’s OK too. Indeed, more than once I have crawled into my son’s bottom bunk and drifted off, muttering internally the mantra and thinking, ‘today, this will have to do’. Did I mention it’s a very forgiving practice? The priority is getting it done.
I have had quite a few what I call ‘trash meds’. These are when I am on the floor (metaphorically speaking). The meditation is late, it was interrupted lots of times, or I am basically just thinking the entire time and barely remember to say my mantra. Those are OK too. Rory tells us not to differentiate between ‘good’ or bad’ meditations. They are all important. He says the ‘trash’ ones, where we just process ‘stuff’ are also really helpful as otherwise those things would be stuck in our system, unprocessed. (And probably come out later in some unhealthy way!)
The Vedic meditation is a householder technique. Perfect for me, then. Everyone is a householder, right? For those of you who don’t know, in spiritual parlance, a householder is a person walking a spiritual path who is not 100% living their path above all else. So unless you are a monk, nun, or sage or other type of renunciate, we are ALL householders. But I also think we do attribute this term mostly to people who are home-based with dependants - certainly in modern terminology. I am totally a householder in all the ways, hence the name of this Substack! I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a rabbit; a husband that is away often, or prioritising his massive job if he is here (or tired from said job). I am the primary carer. I am the homemaker. And I love it. Apart from those times when I sulk around the house banging things around, muttering under my breath that no one else ever fucking does anything in this house! LOL. So, as much as my plan to meditate at 6am, uninterrupted even by my dogs (as I do this before I go let them out of feed them), and then at 2pm (so I have had time to build up some stuff to release)… this doesn’t always go to plan. Rory said these timings are perfect. He encourages us to do one first thing before you get sidetracked - which you will, as meditation isn’t urgent. Then one later, but ideally not at night. However, because of life, these two timings don’t always happen. The reason for this is sometimes a genuine one - my son woke early, or I overslept. But sometimes, and in recent times more so as my practice becomes more bedded in and the novelty wears off, I have just skipped it in favour of having a coffee and - YIKES - looking at my phone! THE SHAME!! Now, I am not too bad here with this problem that so many of us have, but yes I do succumb sometimes. Then the morning one becomes the afternoon one, and then the afternoon one becomes the evening one, which isn’t as good. Basically the timing is important - and if you can stick to it, do.
Regarding interruptions, Rory teaches us to befriend and welcome them. Welcome them and then return back to the meditation. At first, I literally got so mad when someone interrupted me. LOL! I know, so un-zen right? But now, I open my arms, and welcome them in. I pause the med, I answer the question. OK, OK, so if they hang around and keep intentionally bugging me, seeing that I am clearly meditating here, then, yeah, I might get a little antsy… but mostly I can be chill and go back to it later.
The best thing about this approach and the reason I am still doing this and I genuinely think I will do this for life, is it’s ‘nonchalant’ nature. This is a word that Rory repeats often in his teaching and guidance. And I love it. I discovered in the course that I am a ‘Rebel’ in a profile quiz we took. And whilst that surprised me as I also think I do people please, I also remember that side of me from when I was young, and she does pop back up every now and then with authority figures. With this though, the flexibility and the autonomy, negates any need to rebel. With neurodivergent people there is a thing called pathological demand avoidance (PDA). I definitely show this - as does my Autistic son. If someone tells me what to do, I will respond negatively. It’s like a loss of Self. When someone gives me space - and autonomy - I LOVE IT. At the only job I ever had where I thrived in employment, at a creative digital agency, was one where the two bosses gave us such freedom and trust that I could cope - and also, I didn’t want to let them down. This is like that. I don’t want to drop the ball. I don’t want to let the team down. I love the accountability of leaving a tick in the WhatsApp group. If I was doing this alone, oh man I would’ve sacked it off weeks ago!
I am also someone who has a problem with consistency. I am a flake. It’s really hard to be consistent when my energies are so fluctuating and I cannot predict how I will be on that day. I make social arrangements when I am up and high (in my fertile phase of my cycle, and very much in my hyper ADHD state) and then, if I’m dysregulated or in my luteal phase I don’t feel great or I’m exhausted with ND burnout - I may very well cancel the plans I made when I was all high and happy. In my sobriety I have learned that this is OK sometimes. I have to prioritise myself if I am really tired for example as that can be a trigger to drink - and has been my downfall on many an occasion. However this med practice is proving really easy to stick to. In my ADHD brain, if there are barriers to something, I am way more likely to quit. So, a gym membership where we have to drive 30 mins to get there? Highly likely I will flake. A meditation where all I have to do is say a mantra in my mind, that I can do on the fly or at home? Perfect. I have meditated on planes, in my car, not in a cafe - yet, but I can see why this practice works for me: it’s low barrier.
The achievement is doing it. All the meditations are perfect, whether they are ‘communions with God’ as Rory puts it, or 20 mins of you reliving that conversation you had with another parent or a friend or a boss that triggered you. It’s process-orientated, not outcome-oriented, as he says.
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So, that is what I do and my mini reflections on each element. What about the effects, on me? My husband said in a petty snarking match the other day, when my meditation came up in the conversation, ‘well, it doesn’t appear to be working!’. LOL. I probably deserved it - don’t worry, I give as good as I get! Again, so un-zen. But this was an interesting - and annoying - comment. An old friend, similarly, when I told her about my spiritual journey asked, ‘is it working?’. On both occasions, I felt a bit put out. But this is the expectation. That it ‘works’. That is fixes our modern maladies. That we become perfect humans after doing it! Well, in answer to that, I guess it hasn’t fully ‘worked’; I am certainly not a perfect human: ask my kids! So, what has it done?
I will answer honestly here. I feel as if some stuff is shifting. Processing. One big thing that has lifted, almost entirely, is my ‘hustling for worthiness’ problem. And this is HUGE. This has been one of my biggest life problems in recent years. A constant, tortuous presence in my life. I needed external validation. I didn’t feel enough. As a homemaker. As a stay at home mum. I needed to PROVE to people, who I don’t know, that I was capable, knowledgeable, able to earn money. Not just run of the mill, a nothing, a no one. Conversely I have always craved normalcy. I remember having this feeling since teenage-hood: I just want to be normal. The oscillation between those two opposing and equally unhealthy desires is clear. And it reflects the tussle inside me. I have suffered with cognitive dissonance around drinking for example for years. You could also call this black and white thinking. And it speaks to my ND nature as well: my ADHD side and my (undiagnosed but highly suspected) Autistic side (people with AuDHD cite feeling in a constant wrestle between these two ‘states’, the former being hyper, friendly, extrovert, energetic, and the latter being organised, quiet, introvert and rigid). The hustle for worthiness shows up in my business - and the need to do something mega, to GO BIG!! And that is at odds with my need to be homey, small, quiet, introspective: grow veggies, walk the dogs, bake, be present, stay home, prioritise rest. In this sense, it has been about redefining what success means.
I saw a post yesterday by someone talking about this and it resonated HARD. My kids are still young, especially my littlest who is only 6. These years are going so fast. I need to be here, now. That said, I do also have my dharma, my life purpose, and my creativity: my need for something just for me. And that’s OK too.
I have never wanted to be the full time Career Mum. I have ALWAYS felt, viscerally, the impossible battle of wanting to create, work, shine, outside of the home. But ALSO to be 100% present within the home. When I was a ‘mummy blogger and YouTuber’ this was perfect. It happened so naturally. I did what I did, snapped a pretty picture, or made a video and I shared it. And it went so well. People loved it. When I did it consistently I grew fast. I didn’t have shadows around this then - in fact I did, I lie. They were there, but just different. It was about me not being enough - was it unintellectual that I was sharing mum life? Was I letting the feminist side down? Now I can see that I was still hustling for worthiness, even when I had ‘success’ (brands reached out to work with me and I earned a decent bit of money from my content creation days as a ‘mummy blogger’ - I hate that term btw!).
So, what has all this got to do with VM??? Well, I have noticed that a lot of this has dropped away.
I just can’t be bothered to go on Instagram. LOL! I am putting my work out there, in the form of this newsletter (that, btw I am going to really focus on now); my podcast (same); and my yoga classes, day experiences and retreats. And I honestly have released the attachment to outcome. Mostly.
Do I want my retreats to be a success? Yes.
But do I tie it to my worthiness. A little, probably if I’m honest. But not in the soul crushing way I used to. Rejection, failure. They used to kill me. But now there is so much more lightness there. My spiritual work has helped me release attachment to the outcome (vairagyha), to realise I am a sacred being who is innately worthy, to get so much joy from right here and now, to be calmer (sometimes), to be a more grounded person. I am following the breadcrumbs and I remain open to God’s plan for me. He knows best. So if something ‘fails’, it’s meant to fail.
As Gabby Bernstein says, obstacles are detours in the right direction.
Recently my head has been turned by the idea of working in the field of Autism. I even applied for a job. I don’t think I’ll get it, maybe not even an interview. But I allowed myself the process of applying and that has helped me, weirdly, realise how much I love what I do NOW. The universe has sent me enquiries, synchronicities, new people into my life and is saying, loud and clear: this is your dharma. STAY HERE.
So I listen. And meditation is helping me listen.
The very act of carving out not one, but two 20 min sessions of sitting, processing, tuning in, realising how much my body is holding tension. It’s like a beautiful, sacred act of self love. I WITNESS myself doing this and that feedback loop is powerful. Like, shit, girl must love herself to do this. To commit like this.
It does totally often feel like, well, that was basically just me sitting and thinking for 20 mins! I definitely have those ones. But I was thinking, you know when your head hits the pillow and you ‘try’ to go to sleep. When you are successful, you don’t actively try, you just let go. When you ‘try’, it’s like herding cats. Say you have to get up for an early flight, or it’s a big day the next day - it’s always so hard to sleep. That is because you are trying too hard. This is what meditation is like. If we let go, but use the mantra as an anchor to bring us back, the ACT of bringing ourselves back is the muscle. It’s loosening the grip. It’s allowing. This reminds me of relationships, and parenting. We have got to ALLOW. Or else we are codependent. When we hold on too tight to anything, it kills it.
Also, you know that mind state, the one that you get into just before you drop off? When I had insomnia I would self sabotage and notice I was entering that delicious drifty mad world of pre-sleep, and I will cruelly pull myself back, in an apparent act of self induced torture. It was awful. This was when I was in a a state of such inner turmoil, drinking to mask, drinking to treat trauma. Then having such bad anxiety I couldn’t sleep for days. My body was rigid; I was in fight or flight and my body thought it was dangerous to let go. So it didn’t. It was trying to protect me, but it was self sabotaging. Well, that pre-sleep state is like Nidra. We are awake, but we are also kind of asleep. This is the deep state that we all want to get into when we are meditating. When it happens, realising you are there, you’re like ‘No! Don’t end!” But also: “Yes! I got there”. This isn’t the correct approach, as I say all meditations are equal. But OF COURSE because we are human we all want that lovely dream like state. And it really DOES feel, much like a ‘successful’ Nidra session, that you have had a nap - it’s like a massage for your mind.
What’s actually happening in this mind state is: we are processing. This reminds me of EMDR therapy, where you process traumatic events, whilst talking, in a somewhat removed, dream like state that you enter using movement of your eyes. I signed up for some, but in about the 4th session where we were soon to start the act of EMDR as opposed to just chatting, I quit. I made up an excuse about it not being the right time as I was so busy. The truth? I didn’t WANT to go there. Who would?! This stuff is sticky, icky, and horrible. NO ONE wants to go there, to relive the trauma. One day I think I will revisit EMDR, however for now, I feel that this VM practice is helping me to process current and past events without literally GOING THERE. Is this spiritual bypassing? No I don’t think so, as I truly feel some distance from what happened. I can watch things on TV now that may have previously triggered me. I can see tangible effects.
Lastly, an effect I have noticed is, I simply want to ENJOY life more. I feel glimmers. I have arranged with my musician friend to teach me guitar and piano (which I used to play as a kid). I want to sing (something I used to do, only ever drunkenly with my muso Dad). I signed up to a flower growing course where they send you seeds and you grow together, the idea being you will grow way more than you can possibly keep yourself so you give them away. I EVEN DUG OVER A VEG BED TO PREPARE FOR THIS!!! This is huge. For years my husband and mother in law have been trying to get me into gardening. Finally, I arrived there myself. (A true sign of middle age, if ever there was one). I am trusting the breadcrumbs of joy. Suddenly, I can’t believe how much I love where I live, how much I love the nearby city, even the scruffy bits - especially the scruffy bits. I have started to see with a lens of love. Storytime: I parked my car yesterday, early for my little one’s drum lessons with my musician friend. We parked in a ‘rough’ area of the city, in a camping shop car park. I wanted to go in and look as I have promised him we can get into camping. He asked if he could stay in the car as he didn’t feel well and play on my phone whilst I went inside. I looked around at all the people as I perused his idea. A small gaggle of un-helmeted white teens cycled past, pulling wheelies. Old Indian ladies ambled down the street, their bags laden with ingredients for that night’s dinner; a group of Somalian mothers gathered with their babies, seated on a wall. A Chinese couple looked lost. I contemplated his idea for a few seconds, and considered going in. In the end, I didn’t because, honestly, I didn’t need to risk leaving him in the car whilst I looked at tents! But here’s the thing: I felt if I had wanted to do that, he’d be totally safe. I saw these people as people. Not separate from me. Full of love. Mothers, brothers, grandparents. Previously I may have seen through a lens of fear and separation - especially the people from different cultures and socio-economic backgrounds. But I didn’t. I just saw people. I honestly feel different. I’ve always been a very trusting person, but there’s another layer coming off me.
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Now, of course, we cannot say that all of the above: the hustling for worthiness; the apparent softening around some traumas; the newfound zest for life is ALL down to Vedic meditation. Some of it will be that I am back on HRT! Some will be that I feel good at the minute, having come through a bit of a funk recently. But I feel like I recover quicker from funks, too. OK, so you got me on a good day. You can normally tell it’s a good day if I am creating. One day I will create from my darkness because that state is important too. But I just naturally WANT to create when I am in this more social, good feeling part of my cycle.
However, I do think that the VM is the thing that has had the biggest impact. It’s been a steady, constant force in my life. 40 days of VM has softened and healed me. If nothing else, because of this: setting aside 2 x 20 min sessions daily to just SIT and BE is a message to myself that I am worthy, I am enough, I am perfect just as I am. That’s massive. It’s a huge act of self love. A wet-fish-around-the-chops declaration of compassion and commitment to myself; a wake up call to love. When you love yourself, ALL of you: the material and the non material, you see that in others, too. The miracle of life is visible. You remember. Aha - this is what it is all about.
I’ll take that.
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