The Game is Up

*Quick note to say, I am fine, please don’t worry. I had one beer and one cigarette. This post is a reflection on how the amount is now not the issue, the compulsion to repeat this cycle, despite wanting to quit and stay quit, has become my challenge.

This week, I taught a Yin class, online. It was the first one I have taught from home, from a sweltering barn, in the evening. With the kids at home. And no husband to watch them. What could possibly go wrong?!

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As a householder, I have 3 kids (who are obviously at home in the evening), my husband was away, as he often is. Just before I went live with my students, my 6 year old bangs on the barn door, demanding I come and fix the TV, as it was glitching during a Bluey episode.

I lost it. Not 100% lost it, but like 35% lost it. I stormed him down to the house, angrily. With minutes to go, literally 2 minutes, I scolded my 12 year old for not babysitting him as she promised she would.

Anyway, I dashed back to the barn. Now, an aside to say our barn is like a greenhouse. We actually use it to bring seedlings on, it’s that hot. I think it read 25.5 degrees Celsius in there.

Cooling Yin, this was not gonna be.

Anyway, I got on, and during my check in, was honest that I had just had this experience. It was OK. We began. The class was fine. During one pose that I had never taught before, I realised it was misplaced in this class, this was a complex pose and required props for beginners. Again, it’s OK.

Yoga teaching is hard. Music. Lighting. Sound. Cues. Language. Philosphy. Tech stuff. Holding space. Sequence creation and remembering. Theme. All of this, and so much more, to remember. You need to be in a good head space to teach well. But is this even realistic, because… LIFE?!

Anyway, I taught the class. It was fine… until …

Savasana. The attendees are relaxing, in silence as felt was needed.

My 6 year old starts banging on the door. Knowing that I was teaching - he could hear me. He was very intentionally trying to scupper my class. I muted my sound.

But as I closed the class, and spoke my closing prayer, there’s no way they couldn’t hear him banging on the door with a big stick.

FML!!!

I closed class, stumbling over my words in the prayer that I must’ve said a thousand times, because of the stress and distraction.

I joked about it to them and apologised. Maybe they couldn’t hear it, as sometimes on Zoom calls people say sorry for some noise and we can’t hear it on the other side.

But DAMN. I was sweaty and this was stressful.

I ended the call and drank a beer and smoked a cigarette. And then I sat down to write… which is what you are reading now.

So, just to give context, I have dabbled in drinks again a few times recently, and as such it is hard to gain momentum in my chosen path of sobriety. It’s not that I need to give up drinking because I am drinking or smoking so much; I WANT to quit because they do not serve me, they feel terrible in my body, and I hate that I don’t have control over this.

Under heightened circumstances, whether that’s excitement, stress (most often), or nerves, or depression - or joy, occasionally - my brain sometimes goes, oh, I know what I need right now - a drink, or 4, or 6 - and a few cigarettes.

You may be familiar with my sober journey. I will briefly fill you in, if not. Around 2012 I started to begin thinking about quitting booze. I know this because I remember considering having a sober hen do - and I also remember joining One Year No Beer around then. Since then, a few years of dabbling happened, and then at around five years of dabbling I started to take it more seriously, and do 3 month stints of being sober. I have spent the vast majority of the past 5, even 10 years, sober. I have done sober weddings, sober holidays, all of it.

That is why this is SO frustrating. I know I can do this. Sometimes, the hard thing I do - then I come home and let something really small trigger me into having a drink.

Am I addicted? I must be. An addiction is an action you keep repeating with negative consequences and you can’t stop. That’s me. That’s this.

So, back to The Sweaty Evening of Stressful Yin Yoga Teaching. LOL. I mean, it’s OK to laugh. I laughed, at the absurdity of teaching a dreamy Yin class and then slamming the laptop shut and grabbing a beer and a cigarette!

Because that’s exactly what I did.

It was hot. The heatwave perhaps had been contributing to this.

Also I had spent a very busy few days working in a business container so my head was in a laptop, creating, for my business. (This, by the way is in total antithesis to what the container is about - and entirely my fault. My coach who runs this knows me well and sent numerous voice notes saying slow down. This is also part of my problem, my fastness, my energy imbalances, which I will write about also, soon.) Suffice to say, some self care went out the window, and I didn’t go to a meeting for a few days. Someone at a meeting said recently:

“If you’re not working on your sobriety, you’re working on your relapse.”

And this is so flipping true.

I had about week under my belt, again, after drinking in Jamaica for a few of the days and then also prior to going, breaking another amazing 3 months stint.

This is my pattern: 3 months, brilliant. Sabotage with drinking. ‘Recommit’ but it takes about 3 weeks of faffing to get back on track. Then I do it and get 3 months… and… guess what’s next?! You got it: I sabotage.

Maybe I need to go live in the woods when I reach 3 months, on my own, with no money and only bread and water. I’m not even joking. But I can’t hide from life!

So, I share, I never ever drink in secrecy. Often when ‘I decide to drink’ (who is really deciding though, is it the addictive voice, or ‘me’), I will go to our local pub and do it, as I don’t want to do this secretly. It’s not illegal, and I don’t have to answer to anyone. Apart from God. He knows.

Sometimes, when I smoke and drink I speak to my late Nana. I look up at the sky and say, ‘Yeah, I know. Sorry.’ She herself struggled like me with drinking, and was sober on and off a few times during her last ten years or so. Also, she smoked for years.

I share because I process this way. I need to get this out. Because secrecy is where the toxicity (aside from the ACTUAL toxicity) comes in. It plants a seed that grows into:

I may as well drink this weekend.

I may as well smoke occasionally.

And I don’t WANT that. The real me, the peace loving, health loving me wants sobriety, honesty, vibrancy. I say the real me, but all of it is me. In Internal Family Systems we are taught that we are all made up of parts. I have had this therapy before, and may do again. What part of me is still longing to be heard, seen, and cared for? I think it’s my Inner Rebellious Teen, my protector maybe. She wants to help, but she needs to let Yoga Mum take over.

Talking of Yoga Mum, what does this have to do with Yoga and being a Yoga Householder?

EVERYTHING. Let’s revisit what a Yoga Householder (or what Householder Yoga) actually is:

According to Google AI:

“"Householder yoga" refers to yoga practice specifically adapted for individuals living ordinary lives with commitments like work and family, rather than those pursuing full-time spiritual paths... It's about incorporating yoga principles and practices into everyday life to improve well-being and find spiritual fulfillment within the context of a householder's responsibilities”

Incorporating yoga principles… into everyday life. Let’s look at this through the 5 the Yamas and Niyamas which are the first two limbs of the Eight Limbs of Yoga, as outlined in the ancient text The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. They are essentially ethical guidelines and spiritual observances that lay the foundation for a meaningful and disciplined yogic life. Here they are:

🌱 Yamas - Ethical Disciplines (How we relate to the world)

1. Ahimsa – Non-Violence
   Cultivate compassion and avoid causing harm in thought, word, or action.

2. Satya – Truthfulness
   Speak and live your truth with integrity and honesty.

3. Asteya – Non-Stealing
   Do not take what is not freely given—this includes time, energy, and material things.

4. Brahmacharya – Moderation / Right Use of Energy
   Use your energy wisely and avoid overindulgence.

5. Aparigraha – Non-Possessiveness / Non-Attachment
   Let go of materialism and cultivate gratitude and simplicity.

🌸 Niyamas - Inner Disciplines (How we relate to ourselves)

1. Saucha – Purity
   Cleanliness of body, mind, and environment.

2. Santosha – Contentment
   Practice gratitude and accept life as it is in the present moment.

3. Tapas – Self-Discipline
   Commit to growth through consistent effort, even when it’s challenging.

4. Svadhyaya – Self-Study
   Study spiritual texts and reflect on yourself with honesty and curiosity.

5. Ishvara Pranidhana – Surrender to the Divine
   Trust and surrender to a higher power or universal wisdom.

Together, the Yamas and Niyamas are like a moral compass for anyone on a spiritual path, not just for yoga practitioners, but for living with integrity, clarity, and connection.

Let’s analyse through the lens of, specifically, the ones that I feel stand out in this instance.

Ahimsa: non harming

OK so my outburst at the kids. Not good. Rage is an issue for me. One of my biggest issues, actually. And it is related to THIS issue of sobriety, too. Above I alluded to my energies and fastness (then slowness). (These are ALL related. I know, people reading this may think: Bipolar. But I have spoken to docs about this and they aren’t sure. I am diagnosed ADHD, so this is the best I got at the moment. I also see my ADHD through the lens of yoga, as an imbalance of energies, and I will write about that next.)

Smoking is harmful; terribly. The WORST. Half a beer, not that harmful in itself. Alcohol on the whole though is heinously toxic. We are in collective denial of this fact. I don’t have the science but I know that drinking even moderately contributes massively to cancer risk, dementia risk. It is a Neurotoxin, which is why it damages mental health so, so badly. Whilst we condemn smoking - rightly so - we don’t condemn drinking as a society. Why? Big Alcohol? Collective addiction? It causes way more deaths than drugs, smoking… and yet we still worship at the gate of alcohol. One thing I realise is that, as a people pleaser and someone who yearns for acceptance and belonging, when I am not in a meeting (where I do, finally, belong) I feel like the odd one out when, in a room full of people, I am the only one not drinking. It’s hard. Saying that,. this is changing, as more people choose to take breaks and even quit - as a lifestyle choice rather than a Must Do. But how many people have died of cancer and unknowingly because of their moderate drinking?

Ahimsa is a key concept in yoga, and probably one of the most well-known. I am consciously doing harm to myself when I make this choice. I am in direct opposition to this concept. I also am harming my kids by making this choice, and by being rageful.

You know what else: it’s the over and over repeating of a pattern that is arguably the most harmful. The compulsion.

This makes me think of two other concepts in the Yoga Sutras, the text where these concepts are taken from and that yoga is based on, written by an Indian sage called Patanjali over 2000 years ago: Samskaras and Vasanas.

Samskaras are the traumas that have happened to us and the Vasanas are the patterns that we develop as a result. This is reductive, but for the point of this post it will do as an explanation. So… this idea begs the questions:

• at what point in my life did I start to feel something hard and then outsource its management?

• Why do I feel unable to manage feelings without numbing?

Both things I have to consider if I want to heal this compulsion to self sabotage and numb out by self medicating.

Satya is truthfulness. I am being truthful. OK. Good.

And I feel that I am honest, almost too honest; some would say I overshare! I dipped into my hard copy of the Yoga Sutra last night which is annotated by Sri Satchiananda.

The sutra translated is: To one established in truthfulness, actions and their results become subservient.

This means, the words you say become more powerful than the actions you do. Honesty rules over misdemeanours. This is compassion. Honesty breeds compassion.

He says first, you obey truth. Then, after some time, your words become so pure and powerful that what you say will come to pass. This is a bit like affirmations and why they work. Your brain doesn’t know that you may not fully believe them. Again, in manifesting we speak and think and feel as it were already true. I am sober. I am well. I am happy. I am abundant. I am a wealthy in heart and in bank account! Etc etc. The brain requires accordingly. (Is this not further evidence that we are not our brain, but our soul - when we can master that separation from the physical body and witness its working, we can master it).

This, from Sri Satchiananda’s popular translation and annotations of the Sutras:

“If you are always truthful, if no lie comes from your mouth, a time will come when all you say will come true….By the establishment of truthfulness, Yogis get the power to attain for themselves and others the fruits of work without doing the work. In other words things come to them automatically.”

So, if I keep saying my truth of this experience all the time, am I strengthening my chance of success? Maybe though, conversely, by constantly witnessing this pattern, it’s ingraining it further? Should I move towards affirmations of sobriety rather than admissions of relapse? I am sober. I am powerful. They are true, after all, I am sober (in that moment). I am powerful. Even if deep inside we know we are yet to master, say a year of this sober state, by saying these affirmations we are instilling a sense of truth and rewiring our brain.

I do find solace in honesty. Am I honest ALL the time, probably not 100%, but maybe 99%? I do find myself lying to the kids to suit my narrative. I try really hard not to.

Satya is about being honest ALL THE TIME. I need to work on this.

By sharing my truth in this radically honest way, which I do try my hardest to do, it takes the secrecy away, obviously, which equally gives me accountability - or does it? It’s not working, is it? I don’t think I’ve met anyone in recovery or sobriety with this pattern that I have. It’s crazy how long it is taking me to commit entirely to not drinking (or smoking). There is a compulsion here: to struggle - drink - be honest - be forgiven / ignored / enabled / whatever. It’s created a new compulsion that has replaced the old one - to smoke and binge drink heavily a few times a month, which clearly needed addressing (and I have addressed it - of not perfectly, so credit where it’s due). I have dramatically reduced the physical toxins, but the chaotic rollercoaster has stayed. Granted the highs and lows are not the same. But maybe it’s the drama and the cycle of being bad then being forgiven is what I am addicted to? All I know is I have to keep telling the truth to get to the bottom of it.

People ask why I can’t just drink occasionally. Because I know, as soon as I drink I want to smoke. And also, I may have 2 sensible times, but eventually there will be that one massive binge which could potentially ruin my mental health for a long period or even irreparably.

Bramacharya - moderation - well I guess I was moderate in my drinking on this occasion. I didn’t even want it. I poured the last bit away. But for me, moderation in this area isn’t a thing. It’s just bad for me, end of. So it’s a no. Often this sutra is read as celibacy from sex, but more in modern life we can read it as moderation in all things. We could argue that moderation in alcohol is OK, but is it? If it’s in direct opposition to Saucha, which is purity. Let’s talk more on that one…

Saucha - purity - smoking and drinking is deffo NOT SAUCHA! What’s pure about a cigarette or even half a bottle of beer? Patanjali devotes two Sutras to Saucha. No other Yama or Niyama has two lines about them. But Saucha has. Why? We talked about this in a recent Sutra Study class. Purification. That’s the practice here. The asana, the breath, the meditation. The guidelines of morality of the Yama and Niyama can be seen as purifying the soul. Reducing or hopefully eliminating Karma. It’s about refinement of mind, body and soul. Ending the cycle of negative consequences in our life. That doesn’t just happen. We do it layer by layer. Our homes, our bodies. All of it matters. My mum says, messy house, messy mind - and I find that to be so true. Whilst it’s impossible to have a perfect house with kids and animals, it’s true that when it’s tidy I feel so much clearer, and able to remain pure and, well, sober. I haven’t always been this way (not that I am brilliant at it now) - as a teen and a student I was horribly messy! I have had to learn the hard way, the only way. By doing it. By suffering negative consequences because of being messy, and preferring to try not to be.

In terms of our bodies, Saucha can refer to a good diet, hydration, a low tox home, ideally not much medication - as few toxins as possible. When we keep a pure body it helps us feel better and have a pure mind. We bow to the superior innate intelligence of a pure, unadulterated body as provided by God! My diet is pretty good, could be even better. I hydrate OK. My home is pretty low tox - this is a passion of mine but I am far from all the way there. But I am on several meds and I hate that. DO I need them all? Or have we become reliant on a broken health system which relies on us being unpowerful, unsovereign, and in a near permanent state of self created wrong-ness. With compassion, I can move towards working on all of these things and get closer to Saucha.

Alcohol is a toxin, and smoking is one of the most toxic things you can do. They simply have to go.

But also, the addiction is impure.

It’s craving - which is one of the Kleshas - the root causes of suffering, as described by Patanjali. There are 5 Kleshas:

• Avidyā – Ignorance / misunderstanding of reality

• Asmitā – Egoism / false identification

• Rāga – Attachment / craving - this is me!

• Dveṣa – Aversion / avoidance

• Abhiniveśa – Fear of death / clinging to life

When Raja, attachment / craving, is present in your life it can have a harmful knock on effects to many other areas, hence its high relevance as a key cause of suffering.

My own Raja (craving) about smoking and drinking to relieve the pain, or even an excess of any feeling - this act is a Vasana - remember from looking at Ahimsa, above, I mentioned that ‘Samskaras are the traumas that have happened to us and the Vasanas are the patterns that we develop as a result’. So at some point, a Samskara happened and I catered to it by creating a Vasana (pattern of drinking/smoking to deal with emotions), which clearly worked to start with - and over time this created a Raja (craving) for that Vasana. This is creating impurity, which is a direct opposition to Saucha.

The next Yama or Niyama that seems relevant (i.e. that I am failing with!!)… is Tapas.

Tapas is grit, fire energy, being determined, putting in the work.

I didn’t push through the evening as I have so many times. Honestly what annoys me the most is that it wasn’t even that big a craving. I have had very strong ones, ones that have made my head spin and that have made me flee to safety to make sure I stayed sober. This was a fricking WHIM. And I gave in like that *clicks fingers*. I feel instinctively that Tapas is something I must work on. It is an Aversion to uncomfortable feelings. Dveṣa – Aversion / avoidance - this is another Klesha - a root cause of suffering. I avoid uncomfortableness at all costs. I know this. And I have tried to work on it with cold tub water therapy and cold dips in the sea, also using a Shakti mat. I know I must do more. I need to be OK with not being OK.

My Tapas struggle also pertains to my flakiness. If I am not 100% well, I hate showing up to things. I hate not being OK. I hate being seen as not at my best. I feel as though love for me is conditional on that. I see now that this directly relates to Tapas. It’s OK to show up, not feeling great. Sticking it out, showing up, sticking to your word. This is a big one for me. And one that deserves its own blog post!

Svadyaya - self-reflection - OK so I am reflecting now. I’m good at this. Tick I guess. Honesty I do have. Curiosity, definitely. But does this mean that we can do whatever we want and as long as we are curious it doesn’t matter? I think my problem is that I think it will be fine if I keep doing this…

Or will it?

Maybe I am not being honest with myself. All those ‘just now and then’ cigarettes, they add up. All the time, the money, the energy or the cognitive dissonance of drinking/not drinking. It’s exhausting. Not just for me, but for loved ones - and for my sober community. I went to a meeting today and I feel embarrassed when I show up and say, I drank, AGAIN. Sure, so I didn’t crash the car or end up in prison. But it’s still damaging to me. This substance is something I no longer wish to be part of my life - same with cigarettes - and yet I am compelled, for the past ten years, to keep letting it back in, despite saying in my words and actions that I want the opposite.

In a wider sense, the self sabotage is keeping me small. If I keep repeating this pattern, it keeps me here, it keeps me safe. I shoot myself in the foot because I’m scared to see what happens if I don’t. As humans, we are more comfortable in the mud sometimes. It’s familiar. Our brains like familiar.

Ishvara Pranidhana – Trust and surrender to a higher power or universal wisdom.

A gut punch.

I started writing this a night ago, right after it happened.

And now, I sit writing it the next night on, going over my first rough notes.

I feel sick at this realisation. Also, emotional. This last Niyama: Surrender. Handing it over. Letting go and letting God.

This is the first step in the 12 steps. And I have never realised this before.

IS THIS WHY I CAN’T PROGRESS? Because I won’t surrender, and admit that I am powerless over alcohol?

Holy shit.

Look, I have so many friends who are sober, and I know the steps well, but I’ve never felt aligned with elements of AA. It doesn’t freak me out. I even went to a meeting in person and, despite the fact that I really liked the women (it was a female only meeting). I couldn’t get past some of the stuff. Like, saying “*name*, alcoholic” EVERY time they spoke. I don’t feel like I relate to the word. Because it suggests something that is out of our power. As does that first step. I believe it is in our power. I don’t agree that it’s a disease. It’s a Vasana (pattern), that comes from a Samskara (trauma), then a Raja (craving) is created and addiction happens.

However my way isn’t working, so am I blocking my own healing from this problem? Is it academic, pure semantics as to the language or approach? I act casual about it, but you better believe, it has had and it still has an impact on my life, despite never really having a defining ‘rock bottom’ moment.

Maybe I need to surrender. To say, OK ya got me, I fucking GIVE UP. Over to you! By admitting my way isn’t working, I hand it over to someone else. To the universe. I admit defeat. Let’s try this other way.

This step is about surrender. It is about acknowledging that the addictive behaviour is no longer in your control and that trying to manage it alone hasn’t worked.

The thing is, I don’t manage it alone. I have a sober community, Sober Mom Collective, priorly Somer Mom Squad. I have had 2 sober coaches. I also have The Mindful Life Practice which is a yoga community that focuses on sobriety. These are the people who support, and forgive me. What else are they to do?

How do I go from here, to there?

What am I lacking to make this stick?

Writing this has really helped. Maybe AA isn’t right for me, I know I feel that and it’s OK to feel that. So where do I go to now?

Yoga.

I see now that I am averse to discomfort: Dvesa. Aversion.

I see that I am in a pattern: a Vasana, and that pattern is creating suffering: Raja.

Raja - craving

Dvesa - aversion

Two of the five Kleshas, the causes of suffering. Two of them. No wonder this is hard.

The cure? I think I need Tapas. Grit, pushing through when I want to revert to old, very well worn Vasanas. I am fighting with myself, my own neural pathways.

I need to practice Saucha, cleanliness, and commit to my practice, my Abyhasa, of Asana to keep me well in body, and Dyhana, meditation to keep me clean in my mind and soul. Of clean eating and living.

Today I start afresh. Again.

I am sober. I am strong.

I can feel feelings and be uncomfortable and not tap out.

Yoga is the way.

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Circling back to what my newsletter is about - and why it helps me as a Yoga Householder to see my very human problems through the lens of yoga. It's about incorporating yoga principles and practices into everyday life to improve well-being and find spiritual fulfillment. My hope is that through writing about my own experiences in this way you too can see that Yoga is more than just moving on a mat - as lovely as that is!

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