The universe will give you what you need, not what you want

I'm separated. I live in a new home. And I didn't go to Bali! Life update, reflections on fighting for your life, surrendering to the flow, and a reintroduction to my work.

Gosh, where to start? I am separated. My marriage ended amicably before Christmas, and last weekend I moved into my new house.

Pictured: me sat in the garden at my new house having a cuppa!

At the same time, a war broke out in the Middle East. So it became apparent that I may not be able to travel to my own retreat, and one other guest was in the same position. It went ahead, my amazing co-host has stepped up, plus a guest to handle the yoga side, who is a yoga teacher!

Obviously the main news here is my life update: that I am separated and living in a new home. We are still great friends and we intend to remain that way. A request: please don’t say or feel ‘oh I’m sorry’, because honestly, there is nothing to be sorry for. That phase of our relationship completed. Yes, of course there is sadness there. However the harder thing is to stay, full of tortuous cognitive dissonance about the ‘decision’. Once it’s made, sure there are waves of grief, of course - and change is very hard for neurodivergent people as I am finding out in real time - however the ups and downs of this period are nothing compared to how difficult it’s been over the past handful of years, waking one day with one decision, then the next day the opposite.

Making the decision is the hard bit. Once it’s made, everything else becomes movement.

Like with Bali, I thought the choice had been made for me. People told me there was no way the flight would go ahead: they were evacuating people from that area and your flight will be cancelled, 100%. All the flights on the run up to the day of travel were being cancelled, one by one.

So I set up my retreat to be run by my co-host, with my fabulous yoga teacher guest providing that part. Then on the day, the flight didn’t get cancelled.

They even extended the layover in Dubai from 1 1/2 to 18 hours. I happened to have a friend, my spiritual / business coach, stuck in Dubai in a hotel room, listening to missiles flying over. Suffice to say she didn’t enjoy this experience. I was checking in with her constantly, thinking - I am so glad to be at home.

I decided to cancel, despite the flight going ahead. My thinking was: I have 3 kids, I’m in the middle of a separation and a move. I couldn’t risk getting stuck, or worse.

After I decided and requested a refund from the airline, I asked my coach, was this the right decision? Absolutely the right one, she reassured me.

My co-host totally stepped into her role. She was now leading the retreat, something she has never done.

The guest on the retreat, herself a yoga teacher and someone who I know quite well, agreed to teach my daily practice. She left me a message saying how she was grateful for the opportunity to teach and gain confidence.

The two women, the guest yoga teacher stand-in, and my co-host, are also both carrying on after the retreat to a yoga teacher training. One to train in yoga, and one to assist teach.

I see these two maybe doing something together in the future.

My guest who also cancelled, due to traveling with me, reflected that actually the refund will come in handy right now.

I replied, it’s funny, I think everyone has got what they need from this, not what they wanted. But what they NEEDED. Big difference.

That week, leading up to the day of intended departure, I prayed, like I do every night. Just a casual convo in my head. Instead of asking that we all get to Bali safely, I said instead: ‘please, God, let us all get what we need from this scenario, whatever is in the highest good for all - I trust you and I hand over control to you.’

The co-host and the guest are leading the retreat, gaining experience and confidence.

The guest, a welcome financial boost.

Me, I had time to move house, focus on myself, and hand over responsibility of this amazing retreat to a trusted friend.

God gave me what I needed. He gave us all what we needed. (BTW replace God with universe if that makes you more comfortable, same-same, in my opinion.)

Just like with my marriage ending: I didn’t want it to. Who wants that? I wanted to keep my unit together. I wanted to heal our issues, and be a unit, a team, a crew, forever. Even writing this is hard. I still want this, you see.

We have a little wooden carving in our kitchen with 5 bears, each one representing a member of the family, Dad, Mum, each kid with their name engraved… and they all fit together, tessellating perfectly, supporting one another with a little red wooden heart at the centre. I used to take me out, then take my husband out, and just look at it. And cry.

How can I disassemble this unit? How can I blow up the most precious thing in the world to me? And yet, if we don’t then myself and my husband will be unhappy.

As they say, divorce is hard. Staying is hard. Choose your hard.

We decided to end the marriage. Because if we didn’t? We would implode.

So we are rearranging. We are changing shape. He will always be my children’s father. He will always be my family. This isn’t ending. It’s expanding.

Every tarot card, every astrology reading, every sign, they all screamed ‘this is what you need to do’. So I did it. I did the thing I needed to do to survive.

I kept listening to Taylor Swift’s You’re on Your Own Kid.

These lyrics hit hard:

You're on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this
You're on your own, kid
You always have been

It’s interesting, the notion of being on your own, as a spiritual person. The paradox is: you are born and die alone. So consequently you hold nothing. You release all. You let life play out and move with the flow of happenings. The mistake is clinging on. The notion that you are only real, love, worthy, if you stay.

You’re on your own, kid. But also, you’re never alone, because of source, God, universe, angels. That’s what I believe. So that means I can move freely, let go - because on this plane I am on my own, but equally I am never alone. I have my relationship with the cosmos, the magic, my spirituality. Leaning into this paradoxical truth has been invaluable. The only way I could do this was to KNOW it was being supported. I ask for signs, I talk to source, all the time. And I get what I ask for.

Instead of seeing it as blowing up my family, we simply re-arrranged it. In doing so, I truly believe that my kids will build resilience. That they are being modeled a woman, and a man, who won’t settle. Who will fight for their own life. For their own right to be happy. That’s powerful.

As Glennon Doyle says in Untamed:

“Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.”

I think we are all in agreement now, that we can’t stay for the kids. Despite that knowing, the urge is strong to try. We did. We tried. There is a part of me, deep inside, that would not shut up. She would not let it go. That inner knowing. My North Star. A guiding force inside of us all that, when we get quiet, speaks loudly. She said: you know what you need to do.

Dylan Thomas in his poem Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night, talks about fighting for life in respect to his dying father, but metaphorically speaking leaving a marriage is the ultimate act of “raging against the dying of the light” - refusing to let my spirit be extinguished by a circumstance I can still “burn” my way out of. It’s about more than actual death, it’s about fighting for our life. Not giving up.

I am receiving messages that I am breaking ancestral binds, too. That I am the first. The first woman to go. To forge a path on her own. Because prior to me, there were women who walked before me who couldn’t. Financially - or for another reason (most likely about money though).

I would receive sign after sign to leave. I did leave many times. Not because either of us was a bad person. But because the relationship wasn’t making either of us happy. We weren’t flowing, we were resisting. As they say ‘what you resist, persists.’

But the decision was what was so hard. Going from familiar to new. From comfortable to uncomfortable - and considerably less financially secure!! There is a lot of faith involved. Faith that I can survive on my own, financially, mentally.

It’s only by going through hard things that we grow. Each struggle, every movement forward, despite the hurt and hardship. That’s how we build emotional resilience, that’s how we grow wise. No regrets, just growth. It’s standing still in our own denial and fear that is the cancer. Not moving forward and, yes, people feeling hurt. Hurting isn’t the enemy; apathy and stagnation is.

The idea that two things can be true is something I am learning to hold: yes, this hurts. And yes, this is right.

Equally, yes, I had FOMO when I saw the Bali girlies. But last week I sat in my new home, on my own. Furniture assembled, fresh pictures hung. Figuring so much shit out. Which key, where? Overwhelm, lots of it. And also, I’m excited. Yes I cried yesterday a few times. I felt alone, the visceral reality of only seeing your kids half the time hitting home. (And also the relief and deep sigh when they leave from sheer exhaustion.) I also feel immense pride: I did the hard thing. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I believe the universe will reward me and all involved with the gifts that come from being brave.

“Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

Like when I have been so down, I seriously thought people were better off without me. Just like that, in that moment, when it becomes harder to not choose - to leave, to save your own life, to fucking move… just like that, you must rage against anything that takes away your light.

Your highest self, your inner protector, call her what you want, but she has got your back, and she is divinely led. Your soul, it’s lived before. It’s here to learn, to release karmic cycles. Let it happen. Tame Impala lyrics to his song, Let it Happen, spring to mind:

“I heard about a whirlwind that's coming 'round
It's gonna carry off all that isn't bound
And when it happens, when it happens (I won't be holding on)
So let it happen, let it happen”

The universe will always guide you to what is best for you. So ask her for what is in the best and highest good for all involved. Unattach from the outcome. When you pray for a specific thing, you are controlling the outcome to what you think is best. But that’s not how she operates. The universe knows what is best, in the long run, for all of us. So let her guide you. Even when it’s really hard. Especially then. Like a river flowing let life carry you along. Make aligned decisions. Keep referring back to the truth, the authenticity of the situation. And you can’t actually go wrong.

And have faith. Faith that sometimes the hardest things are the ones with the biggest reward.

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I am shifting things in my business to focus on content creation (right here!) around spirituality through a neurodivergent lens, including yoga offerings and retreats, too.

My website will be coming down soon. I am focusing and streamlining and moving to Substack as my home - writing like this and a new podcast called Cosmic Squirrel - all about spirituality and life through my neurodivergent lens.

Current offerings:

I am still running (universe willing!) a yoga and Ayurveda retreat in Suffolk Jan 2027: daily cold ocean swimming, Ayurvedic chef, hikes, yoga circles and so much more. Amazing quirky house just a stone’s throw from the beach. Email me if you are interested. Early bird pricing: £2130 for a single room with your own bathroom. Payment plan available. Link here that will expire at the end of the month I will pop a page up to replace the website one, so if it’s broken please email me: Rachel.cummins@gmail.com

More below…

This Substack is replacing my website, my email lists, and maybe even eventually my Instagram. So, if you enjoyed this post and my work in general, please do hit Subscribe. Posts are free - in time I will introduce a monthly subscription offer in return for monthly online yoga get togethers for ND and ND relating folk.

It’s now called Just Rachel Bridget: Cosmic Squirrel.

Just me being squirrely and talking about all things cosmic. This is my next chapter.

Please follow along!

Likewise, if you are not feeling it, that’s fine, click unsubscribe. I transferred my email list over to this platform so you do have to click unsubscribe if you do not wish to get these anymore.

Thanks for your patience and support!